Neanderthals, Monkeys, and Peak 2020

Alternate title: If 2021 never gets here, it’ll be because 2021 resigned in despair, knowing he could never outdo his predecessor.

I honestly can’t decide if this is a bad idea or not:

June 18 (UPI) -- In a proof of concept study, published Thursday in the journal Stem Cell Reports, scientists successfully used human cells featuring Neanderthal DNA to grow tissue in the lab.

Researchers say the work will help to understand the effects of Neanderthal DNA on later human development.

My first reaction was the obvious one: sure it will, Poindexter. You’re not looking to do some vague study on human development: you’re creating a Neanderthal army!

For the record, I’m in full support of our new Neanderthal overlords and always have been. Not like the rest of you people.

But that was only my first reaction. My second reaction was: we need a Neanderthal army to protect us from the monkeys:

Alcoholic killer monkey leaves one man dead and 250 injured after going on rampage when his booze supply dried up

And:

A troop of monkeys in India attacked a medical official and snatched away blood samples of patients who had tested positive for the novel coronavirus, authorities said on Friday.

Adorable but ultimately random actions by adorable and relatively clueless animals? Or an organized raid targeting potentially devastating anti-human WMDs?

For the record, I’m in full support of our new monkey overlords and always have been. Not like the rest of you people.

Back to the first article. The scientists involved can’t seem to explain exactly what they’re trying to accomplish:

"By testing whether organoids from this line show any developmental differences to organoids derived from lines that do not carry the Neandertal variants of interest can be informative about developmental processes that are impacted by Neandertal DNA," (senior author J. Gray) Camp said.

And why is that important?

Followup investigations could look at the influence of Neanderthal DNA on human digestion, cognition or the immune response to pathogens.

And why is that important?

Hey, I’m all in favor of knowledge for the sake of knowledge. Expanding our understanding of DNA will, someday, have positive effects on both medicine and the creation of bioengineered warriors who can protect us from the monkeys and, it seems likely, the reincarnated Neanderthals.

For what it’s worth, I’m all in favor of our future bioengineered overlords, too. And this guy Dr. Camp, until he finally, tragically, but predictably loses control of his creations. Then I’ll throw him under the bus like last month’s murder hornets and... well, I guess I’ll have to see which way the wind’s blowing then. Hopefully it’ll be blowing toward the monkeys, because you know how they can smell.

Um... maybe don’t tell them I said that.