Did the “Father of Wisconsin” almost kill the Father of our Country twenty years before the Revolutionary War?

The answer seems to be “no,” but just hang on a second.

I'm going to skip ahead a little, then come back. Read this:

...a group of Wisconsin men had almost killed the man who would one day become America's greatest hero and first president!

That's M. Richard Tully writing in his book "A Man Called Baraboo." I first mentioned it in this post:

in 1755, (Charles) Langlade led a force of Native Americans against a British force in Pennsylvania. I read about this in M. Richard Tully's book, "A Man Called Baraboo:"

In 1755, war would once again break out between the French and English colonists. Charles de Langlade, who supported the French cause, collected members of several Wisconsin tribes - the Ottawa, Ojibwa, and Potawatomi - and attacked British General Braddock at the Monogahela River in Pennsylvania on July 9, 1755. Braddock was mortally wounded, and a 23-year-old Major named George Washington barely escaped with four bullet holes in his coat and two horses killed under him - a group of Wisconsin men had almost killed the man who would one day become America's greatest hero and first president!

Charles Langlade was the son of a French fur trader and an Ottawa woman, who became a military leader and early settler in what is now Green Bay. He’s known now as the “Father of Wisconsin.”

Obviously, Tully didn’t suggest that Langlade himself fired any of the rounds that very nearly hit George Washington, so I’m more than happy to suggest it myself. It's just too juicy to ignore. At least one of those bullets must have come from Langlade’s rifle.

Except, wait a sec:

“Leutze depicts a single French Canadian figure standing on a rock – perhaps meant to be the French Ottawa officer Charles-Michel Mouet de Langlade, who later claimed to have orchestrated the entire battle, at which he was probably not even present. (Preston, pg. 2)

That’s an excerpt from David Preston’s book “Braddock’s Defeat,” which goes into minute detail about the Battle of the Monongahela. According to Preston, Langlade wasn’t even there!

None of the contemporary French records on the Ohio Valley... contain any reference to Langlade, who was a commissioned officer in 1755 (an ensign) and would have been quite well known to senior French officers because of his involvement in the action against Pickawillany in 1752. (Preston, pg. 158)

Well, dammit.

But wait! In his bibliography, Preston comments:

“One may posit that Langlade may have been present, based on the fact that Langlade was verifiably at Michilimackinac on May 25 and August 18, 1755, and records do not reveal his location between those dates.” (Preston, pg. 390)

Well, by God, let’s posit it, then!

To go into far too little detail, the battle was basically thus: a body of French regulars and Canadian militia standing in front of the British forces, while several groups of Indians worked their way along the flanks and beat the hell out of the British. It would have been one or more of these groups - about half of which were Ottawa, Ojibwa, and Potawatomi (Preston, pg. 149) - that killed Braddock and put holes in Washington’s clothes.

Those groups each had a French or Canadian officer embedded in them, according to Preston, which is problematic:

• Why would the French still embed another officer in Langlade's group if Langlade, a commissioned officer himself, was there?
• But if Langlade was the embedded officer, why wouldn’t their records show it?

We can question whether the records we have are accurate, and whether there are other records not available to us today, and of course, we will. Because “The Father of Wisconsin almost killed the Father of our Country” is just too good a story to pass up.

Now, to provide myself with some cover: Tully didn’t say Langlade himself may have shot at Washington. Tully said “a group of Wisconsin men” did. So.

According to Preston, the French force included 600-700 natives (Preston, pg. 234) including Ottawa, Potawatomi, and Ojibwa, Sac, and Fox, (Preston, pg. 149) which, I believe, means there were several hundred fighters with ties to what became Wisconsin.

Caveat: Preston says those Ottawa and Potawatomi were probably settled around Detroit at the time, (pg. 150) because he just doesn’t want me to take any pleasure in this. More research might help me understand better where all these tribes were located at that time, and maybe sometime I’ll do that.

Still, even if Langlade wasn't there, there's a better-than-50% chance that the bullets came from Wisconsin-related rifles.

But I'll still keep believing Langlade was one of them.

Addendum: none of this explains why Langlade is called "Father of Wisconsin." Further study will be performed.

Neanderthals, Monkeys, and Peak 2020

Alternate title: If 2021 never gets here, it’ll be because 2021 resigned in despair, knowing he could never outdo his predecessor.

I honestly can’t decide if this is a bad idea or not:

June 18 (UPI) -- In a proof of concept study, published Thursday in the journal Stem Cell Reports, scientists successfully used human cells featuring Neanderthal DNA to grow tissue in the lab.

Researchers say the work will help to understand the effects of Neanderthal DNA on later human development.

My first reaction was the obvious one: sure it will, Poindexter. You’re not looking to do some vague study on human development: you’re creating a Neanderthal army!

For the record, I’m in full support of our new Neanderthal overlords and always have been. Not like the rest of you people.

But that was only my first reaction. My second reaction was: we need a Neanderthal army to protect us from the monkeys:

Alcoholic killer monkey leaves one man dead and 250 injured after going on rampage when his booze supply dried up

And:

A troop of monkeys in India attacked a medical official and snatched away blood samples of patients who had tested positive for the novel coronavirus, authorities said on Friday.

Adorable but ultimately random actions by adorable and relatively clueless animals? Or an organized raid targeting potentially devastating anti-human WMDs?

For the record, I’m in full support of our new monkey overlords and always have been. Not like the rest of you people.

Back to the first article. The scientists involved can’t seem to explain exactly what they’re trying to accomplish:

"By testing whether organoids from this line show any developmental differences to organoids derived from lines that do not carry the Neandertal variants of interest can be informative about developmental processes that are impacted by Neandertal DNA," (senior author J. Gray) Camp said.

And why is that important?

Followup investigations could look at the influence of Neanderthal DNA on human digestion, cognition or the immune response to pathogens.

And why is that important?

Hey, I’m all in favor of knowledge for the sake of knowledge. Expanding our understanding of DNA will, someday, have positive effects on both medicine and the creation of bioengineered warriors who can protect us from the monkeys and, it seems likely, the reincarnated Neanderthals.

For what it’s worth, I’m all in favor of our future bioengineered overlords, too. And this guy Dr. Camp, until he finally, tragically, but predictably loses control of his creations. Then I’ll throw him under the bus like last month’s murder hornets and... well, I guess I’ll have to see which way the wind’s blowing then. Hopefully it’ll be blowing toward the monkeys, because you know how they can smell.

Um... maybe don’t tell them I said that.